being a mom with no mom friends

​My entire life I've known that I wanted to be a mom. I started to babysit friend's and family's children at a pretty young age. I worked at my church's Sunday school in the nursery so parents could go to church. My Aunt and I were just talking about how when I was only 14 years old, she left her week old baby with me so she could get out of the house. The only reason I bring this up is because I've been good with kids, I've wanted kids, hell, I've studied kids my entire undergraduate. I felt prepared, despite not preparing, for my babies.

​But then you have one and you're like, who can I talk to about this weird looking poop he just took? Let me rephrase...who can I talk to that won't judge me? I'm young, but not young young. I was 27 when I had Lincoln, but the friends I have my age aren't there yet in their life. And that's fine, but there are times that I wish I could speak to someone who's in the thick of it, just like me. Not only that, but I like my friends. Selfishly, I want them to be where I'm at.

When I got pregnant, like most of you I'm sure, I joined BabyCenter,  which is a "community site" where you can join your birth board, post in the forum, and meet other women at the same stage of pregnancy and motherhood as you. I never really posted, more-so just lurked, read messages, and learned about pregnancy from BTDT moms. With Layla, I was more active in my community board since I felt I had some experience and my opinion would be valued on posts. I was beyond wrong and disappointed the more I posted and read. 

​I've never experienced a more toxic and negative environment as that. The women there will bash the hell out of you if your opinion or suggestion goes against what they believe. Your baby falls asleep on their tummy? Instant mom-shame, how dare you jeopardize their life! You give your baby solids at 5 months old? They aren't ready and will die! I'm not even exaggerating the extent these people will shame you. I mentioned that I was sleep training Layla and had with my son, and oh God, I've never questioned motherhood more. Thank God I am confident in what I'm doing otherwise, I might have thrown in the towel and listened to these hateful people.

At first I made it my mission on the December 2019 board to fight the negative people right back. A mom would ask an innocent question like "My baby isn't sleeping well, should I add a feeding before bed?" Simple enough, right? Then it would be comment after comment of... "You're overfeeding your baby! Do you want him to be obese?" "Babies aren't supposed to sleep yet! Quit complaining!" "Bring him to the pediatrician right away! He shouldn't be eating that much!" I mean, seriously? If you have even the smallest bit of anxiety, you can bet your ass this poor mom was panicking. ​

​Like I said, at first I would comment and try to reassure the mom that she was probably doing the right thing, that if he's taking the bottle- he's hungry, just trying to show support to the victims of these mom attacks, and then I just stopped. It was requiring so much of my energy. I was drained after logging in at night and when you barely get alone time as it is, the app had to go. 

I gave up on BabyCenter and joined Peanut. I didn't have a negative experience or anything. The forums were pretty clean, no blatant mom shaming that I could see, but I didn't match with anyone that I really hit it off with. One woman and I were talking for a bit, we had similar backgrounds (working moms, kids in daycare, 2 under 2), and then the pandemic hit and I just didn't have time to write her back and forth through the app. Again, it was just one more thing to do before bed.

Lincoln has school friends, but the families are all a lot older than me. It's not a deal breaker, but their lives are much different than mine. We video-chat with some of Lincoln's classmates since the pandemic hit, and I find their lives much more work-based, busy, and adult. Don't get me wrong, I like them. I actually really enjoy my adult conversations with them while our kids say hi-hi-hi-hi back and forth a million times and show off their latest truck that sparkles. But could I see myself venting/texting/hanging out as a friend-group? Sadly, no. 

As I sit here dissecting my lack of a social life,, I think that maybe it's me. Do I just not have the energy to devote to my friendships? It's hard enough juggling two babies and a husband, plus running the household. I get the two down by 7, shower and eat, and then it's 9 o'clock. I am a morning person by nature so spending that next hour with my husband takes effort on my part. What time is left to try to find a friend? 

​I could easily call up my best friend and know she will listen while I blabber on about how annoying Lincoln is when he throws a temper tantrum because his shoe Velcro didn't close in precisely the right way he wanted and how he proceeded to throw himself to the floor only to make a silly noise that has us both laughing and forgetting why we spiraled into this weird happy/sad moment in the first place... Kid life doesn't make sense to me, so how would it make sense to someone who hasn't even experienced it yet. 

I know this time is fleeting and soon enough Lincoln will be in elementary school and no doubt, form on his own, naturally made friend group, but now is when I need adult interaction to ask about infancy and the struggle it brings with it.  You're never quite as lonely as you are when you're first bringing that newborn home. Where are you supposed to make these friends anymore? Especially during a nationwide shut down? ​