Big 3-0

I hit a huge birthday milestone this week and while I'm excited to have hit a new decade, big thirty years old, and set some goals for myself and keep trekking on, I'm feeling a little weird about it. After all, I never really care much for numbers or big celebrations or the meaning of certain dates and birthdays. It's not that I don't care, I just don't see a singular day as defining or changing anything. 

But that's beside the point. 

I turned thirty and just felt weird, and different, and changed. I feel like a huge chunk of my life has passed and while I've accomplished a ton of things I really really wanted to, I don't feel done. And while I know I still have a long ways to go, I feel like time is running out for certain boxes I'd  like to tick. 

The good kind of feels...

I've done a lot. And while it flew by and at first I really didn't think I've done significant things, after writing a bit and thinking about the past 30 years, and really just the past 10, I've become more proud of what I have managed to do. 

Books were a huge part of my early 20's and discovering who I am, what I believe in, and what outlets I have in life. I never knew I could write, liked writing, or even could figure out how to write a book, not to mention the publishing, editing, formatting, promoting, and all the other stuff that goes along with it. 

But I fell in love with writing books, using books to help me cope when I didn't really have a direction in life. I self-published nine books in a few short years. I stopped right before I had Lincoln just to take a break and focus on my family. I'm sad I'm not writing books right now, but rest assured, it's a huge part of my life and I will get back into it!

My family is my other big bragging point. My now-husband and I got married in 2014, we moved to an apartment, then bought a house, then sold the house, and now live back where I started. We have two beautiful little toddlers, who take up ALL of our time but make us the most happy. They truly are beautiful little people inside and out. I love them and they are what I am most proud of. 

And I have also changed. Motherhood does that to you. You think you have this idea of how you'll be and what you'll do and what you'll say in each instance and yet nothing is how you imagine it. I've had to let go of my preconceived  notions on motherhood and relax a little, let go of my type A issues, and let us go with the flow a bit. 

The new pressures...

I feel like I'm running out of time...

When will I have our next baby? Am I getting too old? Then I think of numbers, stupid numbers, like if we wait for another I'll be 32 let's say and then 42 when they're 10 and is that too old to enjoy life with them? It's honestly ridiculous but that's what I think as I try to plan my next decade. 

When will I write again? If I have another baby, say goodbye to what little free time I have now. Am I waiting too long to write? Can I even still do it? 

And then my whole career is up in the air. Not really, but in my mind, is this really what I want to be doing? Long hours, tough situations, and exhausting days. But my kids are happy, so why am I complaining? If we have more kids, can we afford for me to even work? Do I want to work or stay home? 

30 is just a number...

We all know this. A date, May 27th or a number 30, don't mean a damn thing. But it's this number, 30, that did something to do. It added this stress of time dwindling, of goals not reached, of questions unanswered (because they have no answer!) and now I'm sitting here just like what the hell do I want from life? Pft.

​Anyone else?