Pre-Tantrum Tips

How to stop a toddler tantrum before it ever begins...

Here's the actual truth, you can't. HOWEVER, I do believe that you can equip your child with coping and self-regulation skills to where a tantrum is a quick and relatively painless process. Tantrums are developmentally appropriate for toddlers as this is a time in their life when they discover their autonomy and that they're an individual in a big, big world. 

But that doesn't mean your child should be miserable and fighting with you all the time in this crazy power-struggle. It starts from day one and it starts with you setting them up for success. The tips I mention below are all practiced in my house (as much as possible) and I think they've helped Lincoln, my two year old, be able to work his way through tantrums better. 

Routines and Transitions

Be consistent with your days. When a child knows what to expect next, it's easier for them to let go of what they're doing and go with the flow of a normal day. Keep meals, naps, and bedtime routine the same, every single day. 

For transitions, give warnings. "Hey, we have 5 minutes before we clean and eat lunch. 5 more minutes." Whether they can count or not, you're signaling that a change is coming and giving them time to finish and process the next steps. Some children need more or a couple warnings to prepare. 

Reward positive behavior

Acknowledge the small wins. Reward doesn't necessarily mean treats or gifts or anything. I mean, tell your child they're playing so nicely or listening to directions well or that you liked that they let their sibling play, too. Make your phrases as specific as possible to what they're doing right. "I love how you picked up the train tracks". 

Avoid phrases like "you're being such a good boy". Why? What exactly is a good boy? Good/bad are such hard terms to use and really, you're just labeling your child with a 

​term that sticks in their head as good or bad. Instead, you can say something like, "wow, that was a great decision to help me pick up these toys!" 

When you see it, say it! You can't over-compliment your child. You're their main hype-man!

Give choices

If you have a toddler, I bet their favorite phrase is, "me do!". I know that's Lincoln's favorite right now. So instead of saying "no, no, no" over and over throughout the day when your toddler wants to do every single thing, give them options. When you're cleaning, ask "do you want to help by cleaning the table or the floor?" The best part is they can't really answer no but they're also choosing their task which gives them that bit of power and control. 

During pick-up time it's okay to help them. Let them be involved by saying, ​

"I'm going to clean the blocks. Do you want to help me with the blocks or pickup the trains?" If' they don't want to get into the car, ask them "do you want to pick our first song in the car or buckle your own belt?" They need to get into the car, but once there, they have an incentive. ​

Distract or back-up

If your child is begging for the sharp pair of scissors and can't seem to let it go, give them something else to distract them or bring something else up. This exact situation happened to us today, he was set on getting the nail clippers, and instead, I distracted him by asking if he wanted to use safe scissors at the table with paper. Instant flip in his behavior and off he went to the table. 

Another strategy which is similar is to have a back-up. If you know your child needs a specific lovey or they will lose their mind, have a back-up for a worst case scenario. 

Same with certain toys. It's honestly not worth the fight of forgetting it at school or in the car or wherever. It's also good to know something your child can always be redirected to. For us, it's playdough or outside. Always a win. ​

Know the limits

It's okay to tailor your day around your child. You know them best. Lincoln needs sleep and it's not something I have ever been willing to mess with. If he's tired, he is going to cry and cry and cry over the smallest of things. So obviously a late night trip to the grocery store would most likely result in a tantrum. A playdate at 12 pm when Lincoln naps 1-3 would be a nightmare. There's nothing wrong with avoiding problematic times and times your child may be more emotional for activities.