The best advice I ever got...and why I didn't listen

It's a very common piece of advice and I would say about 9/10 people told me this when I was pregnant with my first. It will sound extremely simple, but I am here to tell you that it's not. Apologies if this rambles on, but this is still an issue I struggle with often.

"Ask for help"

How simple! This is typically how the conversations would go... "You're going to be so tired with that little baby. Don't forget yourself. I can come by with food or hold the baby while you shower or hold the baby so you can eat. I really don't mind. Please ask for help! I can do X, Y, Z so you can take a break." It sounds nice, and let's be honest, it is. I was lucky to have such an amazing support system at home and to live close to family who care for me. But...it's not that easy. 

Asking for help requires you to actually ASK. And for some reason, to me, asking for help meant I needed help, and needing help meant I failed. I remember one particular moment after I had Lincoln. I was probably about 5 days postpartum and my husband was going to go into work for a half-day. I was literally petrified. A dozen thoughts shot through my mind, most revolving around "I'm going to be alone with this baby, what do I do if [insert scariest thoughts ever] happens?" Doubt affects everyone. You can be the most confident parent, the most on-top-of-it person, but you can still worry. This was me. I was a first time mom, but I knew what I was doing. It was just this thought of being alone.

I struggled that day to ask him to stay home with me. I didn't have a tangible reason to want him to stay home, but I needed him to stay home. It was a tennis match in my head of figuring out how to ask for help and then convincing myself I didn't need it. Chris was getting ready to leave, and I remember breaking down completely, hysterical cries while the baby was sleeping on my chest, begging him not to go to work. Instead of asking him to stay, it got to the point where I was broken down and weak and just sobbed for it. It shouldn't have to get to that point for a mom to ask for a hand.

So, why is it so hard to ask for help? I don't know whether it is a me problem or whether these pressures are societal, but there's a certain expectation after having a baby. You have this cute little being who solely relies on you to live, and yet, we as mothers are expected to drop the weight, be mindlessly happy, and juggle it all (feedings, diapers, sleeping, cooking, cleaning, maintaining composure). There's an insane list of things that need to be done hour by hour. When I reflect on that time in my life, I realize that I was happy and unhappy, both at the same time. 

I had the most amazing experience of my life by giving birth, and had such a happy little guy, but yet there was this denial within myself that I couldn't admit or even see at the time. If I had just asked my mom or my husband for help once in a while, my happiness would've been tended and grown. Instead, each time I wanted help but didn't ask, I became resentful, overwhelmed, angry, and not enjoying this new life of mine. Add perpetual, seemingly non-ending sleep deprivation and you have the perfect recipe for postpartum depression. 

Fast forward to baby #2, and I had learned my lesson. This time around, not only was I more confident in my skills and a lot more laid back when it came to newborn baby duties, I understood the need for help and that it was a blessing to have help in the first place and that I should take advantage of it. If people offer, take them up on it in that minute. Food is a gift, extra hands are a freaking Godsend. Let your Aunt clean your house, don't be embarrassed. If someone offers you help like this, they've been there. They get you. All moms get it.

Here's a perfect example: Lincoln was 4 weeks old, barely slept, and I was exhausted. I drove with Lincoln to my mom's to take a nap but instead of handing her the baby, rushing upstairs, and taking a nice nap in a clean bed, I asked my mom to just watch and listen while I closed my eyes on the couch with Lincoln on my chest. WHY? What was wrong with me that I couldn't even leave him for 1 hour? Nothing, of course, but that's how responsible I felt for him and how hard it was to leave him even if I was one room away. We're so attached to these infants and feel so much weight to make sure they're safe, it hurts to be away from them. 

Now with Layla, my second, she was about 8 days old the first time I left her with someone else. I had to pick up Lincoln from school at 3, it was 2:45 already, and she was asleep in her bassinet so content. Mammy (my grandma) was home and I let her know that the baby was asleep, to listen for her, and just grab her if she wakes before I get back. She didn't need anything for a while. I left my 8 day old baby with my 83 year old grandmother without even batting an eyelash. Does this mean I didn't feel the same weight? Hell no.  

Surely, you can see the insane difference in the above scenarios. Don't get me wrong, I will still martyr it up and my husband will definitely tell you how annoying I am because I don't ever ask for help and instead just suffer in silence and resent everyone later. But small victories! It's a give and take relationship within ourselves that we must battle constantly. Sometimes, it's just easier to do the work. As moms, we know that Lincoln requires blue pacifier for bed, the clock turned backwards, and sleep sack on, but not buttoned. These are just mom things. But Lincoln will also live if Dad puts him to bed Sunday nights and not everything in the routine is done perfectly. It's okay to let go a little. ​

The moral of my story is, swallow your pride and fix your mentality. It's tough to change how we think. I am the first to admit that I don't do myself any favors. But I know this about myself and actively try to fix it. We aren't supposed to walk this mom life alone and whether it's a long talk with your best friend, a meal from your in-laws, babysitting from your mom, or a long walk alone... ask for what you need/want and keep yourself happy! ​​